Mommy Style (or lack of...)

I get it now. Motherhood opens your eyes to so many new things in life. You get to see life for the first time all over again through your little one's eyes. You get to play with cool toys because admit it...baby toys are just FUN. You get to have cuddles, love and giggles on a daily basis. You get to see what 2:00am looks like...and 3:00am...and 4:00am.  And you finally understand why moms are the target of most ambush makeovers. Today, I could be a prime example of a worn out looking mommy who is doing her damnest not to look frumpy. Currently, I am caught somewhere in between a mish mash of an attempt to look trendy in clothes that still don't quite fit right complete with a hair style that  looks like I probably slept in it even though it took 15 minutes, half a can of hairspray and about 20 bobby pins.

Before baby, I watched the intros to those make over segments where the children would be telling the hosts how much their mother does for them and how she takes little time for herself. I wondered why any self respecting mama would let herself go.  Children need their mothers to be individuals to admire!  But now I understand that, especially in early motherhood, you aren't choosing to let yourself go but the limited amount of time you have as a working mother is not assisting you in maintaining style. Your body is still weird (even though thankfully I only have five more pounds to go), you are tired and honestly you would rather play with your baby after work then bother painting your nails (or in my case, removing the week old chipped nail polish that is currently on my nails).

My mom is and has always been glamorous to me. She got up early to be completely dressed before she got me up so she could look nice while also being able to give me her complete attention. She found a great balance of taking care of herself while also being a hands on mom. Her example of taking care of herself made me question those moms that let themselves go. But mom also reminds me that when I was a baby she didn't work so I have a lot more to balance. This reminder makes me feel better about all that I am juggling but I can't let myself go too long without some style maintenance so I plan to use our two week Christmas break to recharge myself to at least look decent for the first month of January when we return!

At first I googled how to recharge my beauty routine as a new mom but quickly realized there was no secret out there but just the simple tried and true methods. Even before motherhood, I found myself needing a moment to step back and recharge. Simple things work like a long bath (maybe a glass of wine as well) with a new body wash and actually moisturizing my skin after I get out which is a rarity these days.  I need to also take a moment while my husband is playing with Buckner and paint my nails...or at least remove the hideous remnants of left over nail polish. I plan on remembering what the hair straightener does and styling my hair in something other than a frizzy bun! And lastly, I am desperate for a moment to organize my closet so that I can take stock of what I do have and what I need to purchase to refresh my wardrobe. Hopefully, I will even get a moment to exercise over the break but the least I can do is drink a lot of water...and maybe even more wine!  Even though my hair is still frizzy and I type with unmanicured, dry hands at the moment, just making this list makes me feel rejuvenated and excited to start our holiday break!

Speaking of the two week break, I am so grateful that I have a job that allows for an extended break over the holidays. I am going back to the maternity leave mindset and focusing completely on my family during this time. Therefore, I will not blog until after the New Year. Please check back in 2015 to catch up on Buckner's first Christmas and all the fun things that happened over the break. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Why "Happy Holidays" Does Not Offend Me

This morning I was talking to a colleague about our holiday plans which included both Christmas and New Year's activities. As we left, he said sweetly, "Happy Holidays." I returned the greeting with a heartfelt, "Happy Holidays." The simple exchange made me remember a Facebook conversation that a few of my friends started last week.  They were angry that someone said, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." I thought about them this morning after I said the seasonal greeting because, as a Christian, the saying did not offend me.

As I read their banter last week about how they would strongly return any "Happy Holidays" saying with a stern "Merry Christmas" I understood their defense of the Christian holiday. As a devout Christian myself, I wondered if I should do the same. This morning I realized the answer is no. While the word "Xmas" greatly offends me because it is the deliberate removal of the word Christ, I don't feel that a person who uses "Happy Holidays" necessarily intends to remove Christ from the season.

I think the phrase is most commonly used when wishing happy greetings for an entire season. When discussing holiday plans one is usually discussing New Year's festivities as well therefore it just isn't Christmas but an entire holiday season that is included when saying "Happy Holidays." Secondly, not everyone celebrates Christmas but this doesn't threaten my Christian beliefs nor does it make me feel like I should return their saying with a hostile stare as I say, "It's MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Doesn't that hostility defeat the whole point of the giving and peaceful spirit we celebrate this time of year?  Even if the person does celebrate Christmas but offers the phrase out of respect because they don't know if you celebrate the holiday, don't assume it's a sign of disrespect. Instead of anger, be thankful for the consideration. Further, as I walked away from my colleague after exchanging the holiday saying I wondered what would Jesus say since, after all, it is His holiday. I think He would not take offense to a simple saying but instead offer kindness, understanding and love demonstrating the Christian spirit we all aim to reflect.

I hope other Christians can see that in the spirit of Christmas, next time a person offers a kind greeting be generous of spirit and return the kindness. After all, not everyone has a political agenda behind a greeting. Sometimes life is simple and a greeting is just a greeting.  Happy Holidays can simply mean have a wonderful holiday season!  Happy Holidays to you and yours!

These Days...

These days I love...

....waking up to our smiling baby who grabs my hand when I touch him

....wine and conversation with my husband after work

....being able to comfort Buckner back to sleep with simply laying my hand on his chest

....driving to Christmas music while seeing Christmas lights

....the slowness of the end of the semester

....seeing our son smile when we play patty cake

....being able to rely on my mom for motherly advice

....hearing Buckner babble a full conversation with enthusiastic grunts and yells

....anticipating family time to come in the next couple of weeks during the holidays

Buckner discovered the reverse function on the phone camera and he loves to look at himself

Mommy Worries: Preventing Flat Head Syndrome

"Which way are you laying him in the crib?" I stumbled to answer the doctor's question because Buckner rarely laid in his crib. I have been so afraid of SIDS that he has slept (happily) in his rock-n-play beside our bed since arriving home from the hospital. Now, 4 months later, I was embarrassed to admit that I had not forced the issue of transitioning to the pack-n-play in our bedroom.

In my defense, the initial plan was for him to sleep in the pack-n-play but the first night home we realized that the sleep plan was not meeting his needs to feel cozy and cuddled. Therefore, he was not sleeping at all.  He immediately fell asleep when placed in the rock-n-play. I liked the idea of it because it kept him at an incline which seem to help his nasal congestion. When he hit around 3 1/2 months my mother began to mention that he was starting to get a little big for our current sleep solution and we should think about the transition. Just as we were about to do so, he developed an awful cold and I was afraid of allowing him to lie flat on his back to sleep. So we decided to put it off a few more days. Those days turned into a couple of weeks until I found myself struggling to answer the doctor's question.

The doctor was trying to offer a helpful solution on how to prevent Buckner's head from becoming flatter while helping the back of his head to round out. He suggested rotating the direction of how we lay him to sleep so that if he turns his head to look at the door he is turning it a different way each time. Of course, we are still suppose to put him on his back to sleep but by rotating which way his feet are pointing in the crib might help by putting pressure in various places on his head and not the same place every night.

I started to feel the mommy guilt and envy other babies' perfectly round heads. Had I failed by protecting him from one risk ultimately creating another problem? I wondered how other mothers had prevented the flatness in their babies. I thought tummy time was all that was needed but obviously more strategies are necessary.  We do tummy time but it was not enough to counteract the flatness developing. Of course, this worried mama turned to Dr. Google to figure out all possible solutions to reverse the beginning stages of flat head syndrome. I discovered the rock-n-play can contribute to the flatness if overused because it prevents them from moving their heads from side to side.  While it has been great for us in helping nasal congestion and keeping him cozy, we agreed it was time to move to the pack-n-play. I am determined to keep him in our room for the first six months because room sharing can reduce the risk of SIDS so before we transition him to his crib in his room, he will sleep in the pack-n-play.

The first night I wedged the pack-n-play between the wall and my side of the bed. Now I was a happy mama again because I was not ready for my baby to sleep away from me even if he was in the same room. The position of the pack-n-play turned out to be a good thing because he did not sleep well that first night so I had to keep comforting him. The next night we used the sleep sack and he slept the entire night. Several nights later the transition has been accomplished. A couple of nights I woke up and found him flipped over on his tummy happily snoozing away. I know that when they can flip themselves over it is okay that they are on their tummy but I couldn't leave him that way after seeing him so I flipped him over only slightly disturbing him.

Another attempt we are doing to help with the flatness is baby wearing. I just received a Seven Slings sling. I googled free code and got it for free with the exception of shipping and handling. He loves being in it and it helps relieve some of the heaviness of just toting him around. I thought I ordered up a size but I think I would like it slightly bigger so I was thinking about getting another one just a little bigger especially as he grows. Baby wearing has been wonderful for us because we can do some things around the house and I feel like I get to spend more time with him since he in his daycare Monday through Friday.

We are increasing the amount of tummy time when we are with him. He is getting better at being on his tummy. Santa may bring him a toy to encourage tummy time like this one. We also are researching exersaucers. We asked the pediatricain about it and he said some doctors don't like them because they are used as babysitters but they are fine if use them in moderation and always supervise them. We have learned that there is an opinion on every toy. You definitely have to do your research because for babies play is their work!

Buckner Milestone 12/14/14

I was in Wal-Mart and it was time for him to eat. I was trying to feed him as I shopped while he sat in his carrier in the buggy. I had to readjust my hand so I put the bottle in front of him for a minute in his lap. All of a sudden I heard a grunt and saw my little baby sitting up and grabbing his bottle. I tested to see if this new skill was a fluke but he did it again. He knows what to do with his bottle!

Favorite Toys: Feet!

At four months old, I can roll from back to stomach and stomach to back. I am getting better at tummy time and I can even manage to scoot around. I am a strong baby boy!

At four months old, I love to smile and babble. I tell long stories with lots of facial expressions and serious grunts!

At four months old, my feet are my favorite toys!  The best part is they are always with me.

 

A Magical First Moment

Over the last four months, there has been a handful of times when it really sunk in that we are parents. Standing in line in our Chik Fil A this Saturday morning at 9:00am I looked around at the children dressed in various Christmas themed outfits and looked over at my husband as I realized this was how we were spending our Saturday morning. We were standing in an overcrowded line with our son that I dressed up like a little candy cane elf as we excitedly waited on the first moment our son would meet Santa Claus. I looked at Ed and said, "We are really parents." My husband, who was trying his best to be patient because he really just wanted to eat breakfast already, smiled at me and said, "I know."

Ed and I are big kids so the moment the shock of finding out we were expecting dissapated we were so excited to be able to gain membership to the parent club where you get to do all the fun things with your kids. Now let's be honest. Buckner had no clue why I put him in a ridiculously cute outfit and bundled him up to go stand in a fast food restaurant.  But this mama was giddy getting to show our baby how exciting Santa can be. I actually found myself a little nervous talking to the jolly, giant elf (who was really a great Santa and actually an elementary school principal). 

However before we could even get up to Santa, the smell I thought I first smelled in the car became stronger.  Our sweet little son was patiently waiting for someone to change his diaper but had not uttered a peep in his carrier. I leaned over to inspect as we got closer to the front of line and sure enough I recognized the unmistakable smell of a diaper that cannot wait to be changed. We debated if Santa would smell it but as I lifted his legs to check his pants, his candy cane pants were not so crisp anymore. Yes, we had an official blow out to be addressed. So much for standing in line in my parental euphoria of experiencing one of those first moments because we had to move fast to not miss our place in line. I grabbed Buckner and we ran to the bathroom to do the fastest diaper change we have ever experienced. Of course, he giggled and kicked his way through it as if to tell me, "I told you I'd figure out a way to not wear those pants, Mommy!"  I found the closest matching pair of pants in his spare clothes bag which happened to be blue. Not the best match for my perfectly planned outfit but a lesson I am quickly learning is that parenthood is composed of those imperfect moments that make up the memories and stories. Just wait until I tell this story on Buckner's first date!

I made it back with two kids still in front of us and was able to hand Santa a fresh smelling Buckner. The grandfather of three (who knew Santa had grandchildren!) was so friendly and did not want to let go of our little guy. He told the children behind us to be patient because Santa was going to hold this baby for awhile.  Buckner, in his usual laidback style, calmly posed for the picture.  As we waited for the photos to print, Santa told me to make sure I bring him back next year because he loved seeing the children grow through the years.

We thanked them for a wonderful experience and finally ordered our breakfast to make all of us, including my husband, now happy, clean and fed.  We really could not have had a better first Santa visit experience. Normally Ed and I would have chosen to do breakfast at another non fast food place but this past Saturday there is no other place I would have rather been but surrounded by our other parent friends, greasy biscuits (which were delicious) and excited children anxiously waiting to see a kind man who helps in creating the magic of Christmas.

How I am getting my ab muscles ready for bikini season: Mommy Situps!

Mommy Situps

1. Lightly sleep on back

2. Pop up to a sitting position to check on baby every moment he coughs

3. Repeat until alarm goes off signaling night is officially over

Our Little Gift

In the months leading up to finding out that I was pregnant with Buckner, I knew for certain that I was pregnant. We weren't really trying but every little potential moment of nausea or a slight cramp would lead me to guessing I was pregnant only to find out that I wasn't. However a year ago today, I was completely clueless that I was actually pregnant.

The day after last year's Thanksgiving began with nausea. I thought it was carsickness from a long car ride. At our family's party, I didn't really want wine. I thought I was losing my taste for wine. I was craving ranch dressing which I normally hate. I thought my tastes were expanding. I really wanted to drink a case of ginger ale which I have never been able to stand and I thought I was just thirsty.  A few days later, I passed up coffee at the Christmas Parade and chose hot chocolate instead. Coffee didn't sound good to me but I just thought I was tired of coffee for the day. My breasts were sore but I just thought I was about to start my period. I had a logical explanation for it all but the Tuesday after Thanksgiving after dying my hair (I know - good choice right?), I knew something was up. The hair dye stung so much I had to get it off my head early and I was still nauseated.

Ed went to the store to get a pregnancy test because I still wasn't convinced being pregnant was the reason I was feeling funny but Ed said he knew when I didn't want coffee since I am usually a coffee addict. And sure enough before I could finish peeing on the stick, the plus sign was showing up. I thought the test was malfunctioning but we knew - our little baby was on the way!

I had my first doctor's appointment on December 23rd to confirm the results so on December 25th we put a footed sleeper in a Christmas gift bag to tell Ed's family. We bought a gender neutral one that was 3 - 6 months size so our baby could wear it this year.  And here it is a year later and I dressed Buckner in the outfit that announced his upcoming arrival. I thought starting his first Christmas season with his outfit would be the perfect way to start a month of memory making.

 

Hanging out in his special Christmas sleeper

I feel like there is a lot of pressure to make your little one's first Christmas perfect. I had to refocus myself on the precious priorities of this season so that I could enjoy experiencing Buckner's first holiday season instead of stressing over perfection. My sweet baby boy doesn't care about the perfect decorations or a ton of new toys under the tree this year. He wants lot of mommy and daddy time with sweet cuddles and lots of play time. And as for treats, bring on the bottles!

I don't want to stress myself out trying to achieve the perfect Hallmark Christmas and in the midst of stress miss out on the important parts. I do want to capture memories and make the most of this first precious holiday season while starting holiday traditions of our own. I want the majority of our Christmas season to include a little bit of slowing down and enjoying quiet family moments at home sitting around the Christmas tree and just enjoying our little boy. Other memories I want to make include:

1. Buckner's first trip to see Santa Claus.

2. A Christmas Card featuring our sweet little elf.

3. Attend Christmas Eve Mass.

4. Purchase a first Christmas ornament.

5. Enjoy a peaceful, sweet Christmas morning for Buckner's first Santa Claus.

Enjoying family time at home during the Christmas season

16 Weeks on Thanksgiving Day

Buckner turns 16 weeks today on his first Thanksgiving Day!  In honor of my sweet little punkin's first 16 weeks of life coinciding with a day to be thankful, I have been thinking of all the many precious moments I have been thankful for in Buckner's life so far. Sixteen of those moments are listed below.

16. A couple of mornings ago at 3:30am, I heard Buckner stirring in his rock and play beside me. I looked over from the bed to see my very wide awake baby staring at me. When he saw that I was now awake, he gave me a huge smile still holding on to that pacifier in his mouth. He continued to flash those sweet smiles as if to say, "Hey mommy! Let's play now that you are awake!" We are so lucky that Buckner is generous with his smiles, babbles and laughs. He lets us know that while we are new at this parent thing, he is happy with our efforts.

Love looking into his eyes!

15. The ability to be able to afford what Buckner needs. I don't know why but every time I am measuring out formula to make a bottle, I am overwhelmed with emotion that something as simple as filling a bottle with formula is a challenge for some parents. I feel tears every time as I pray for other parents who may be suffering financially and therefore struggling to find ways to be able to provide for their babies. I now know how much a parent loves and how much I would sacrifice to keep Buckner healthy and happy so I pray that all parents can provide for their babies. We are grateful that we can provide formula, diapers, clothes and medical care for our sweet baby boy.

14. We are grateful for family time. It is in the lamplight of the early morning and the golden glow of home in the evening that we get to cuddle with Buckner and hear his babbles as he  tries to tell us about his day.  We definitely have a talker!

13. Our little hercules is a strong one! He can already roll from his back to his stomach which is something that I have read is not suppose to happen until month five. And it isn't a fluke because he does it several times a day. He also can scoot in circles in his crib. It is amazing to see how strong and capable our baby boy already is at only 16 weeks.

12. I love dressing him up. Right now he is at a really cuddly stage and the weather has been cold making his little outfits even cozier. I think my favorite thing to put on him are his sweet, footed sleepers. But he also looks adorable in hooded jackets!  Actually he looks adorable in pretty much everything!

11. We are having so much fun marking his first holidays. So far we have had his first Halloween (I put him in a pumpkin onsie) and now his first Thanksgiving. Of course, he will be dining on his usual meal of yummy formula during this feast day but we will make sure to take lots of pictures to mark the occasion.

Our little punkin

10. He loves bath time.  It is one of our special moments of each day. No matter what kind of mood he is in (which is usually happy), he flashes huge grins when I start to prep him for his bath. He loves the water and it completely relaxes him. Recently he has learned how to kick and make splashes which has added a new step to after bath clean up!

9. After bath time, we read a book together. He pays close attention and looks at the pictures. I want to give him a love of reading and help him be an effective communicator so I try to read to him nightly but most importantly it is just another great excuse to cuddle.

8. Before I ever even thought about being pregnant, I always imagined my child's christening. I wanted it to be attended by our family and close friends. Before I knew we were having a baby boy, I would daydream about his christening party and always saw a white cake with blue icing. No matter how hard I tried, I could never see anything but blue icing...guess I knew I was having a boy all along. His christening weekend was a beautiful celebration of welcoming our baby into the Catholic faith and it was attended by our sweet family and friends. And of course we had a white cake with blue icing!

7. I enjoyed every moment of maternity leave. I let projects go and pretty much sat and held Buckner for a little over 8 weeks. Even though I would have loved to have longer, I made the most of every moment and would not change how we spent those first weeks getting to know one another.

6. Family and friends made life so easy for us by helping us during those first few weeks. Ed's mom cooked for us so when we got home from the hospital we had food waiting in our refrigerator. My mom stayed with us for about a week and a half. She cooked, washed clothes, made beds and helped me learn how to be a mom. After she went home, she came back on a daily basis which I was so grateful for because I was sick and going through a touch of postpartum emotions (not really depression but more anxiety). Friends brought us food and more food and even more food. If you know new parents, bring them food - it is the best way to take care of them!

5. I love when life slows down enough for us to be able to lay on the floor on his quilt and play tummy time. He use to hate it but is getting so much better at it. Play is so much fun and we are enjoying getting an excuse to be able to play again since both Ed and I are just big kids.

Tummy time!

4. I waddled as long as I could while pregnant. We made many laps around the neighborhood with neighbors asking, "Where is that baby already?" So it was very sweet to finally put him in his stroller to take a walk around the neighborhood to say, "He is here!"

3. I am tired but no matter how tired I am I always am grateful to wake up in the middle of the night to those sweet little eyes.  I love being able to sit in the rocking chair that my mom once rocked me in as a baby. Now 36 years later, I sit with my baby boy in the middle of the night feeding him with just the hall light peeking in. It is enough light to see him staring at me, just the way my mom said I use to look at her.

2. Buckner reached every milestone in pregnancy as if he was following textbook orders. Now he is doing the same as an infant. He is smiling, babbling, rolling, kicking, grabbing, laughing, trying to sit, holding his head, recognizing faces, tracking objects with his eyes, responding to our talking, etc. We are amazed with how we are watching him grow and develop. Every day is an exciting new day!

1. A healthy baby boy. About two weeks after he was born, he developed a staph infection on his nose that required an ER trip and pediatrician follow up. The bump was drained and some antibiotics were administered but he stayed healthy through it all. Now at 16 weeks he has caught his first cold but he allows me to give him saline spray like such a good little boy.  Overall, with the exception of these two little incidents we have a healthy, thriving baby boy and we are so overwhelmed with gratitude to God for allowing us to be his parents and get to share in his life.

We are loving every moment and are grateful to God for allowing us to be parents. Happy Thanksgiving!

Mommy Nutrition

"When the baby gets here, you will be so busy you will forget to eat and the baby weight will just fall off."

My response to that well meaning piece of encouragement and support was, "Yeah right. I have never once in my life forgotten to eat."

Fast forward to 16 weeks post pregnancy and 42 pounds of the 50 I gained now gone.  I lost about 30 in the first month. I will contribute the initial fast weight loss to breastfeeding (which I no longer do...long story for another post) and getting very ill with mastitis which took away my appetite. However, now I am completely healthy but busy and preoccupied with my little man making my nutrition fall to last place on my priority list. While eating in large quantities went away with pregnancy, eating unhealthy has stayed. I am not taking in too many daily calories but they are empty calories. This once nutrition nut now grabs whatever is available which often is sugar. Not good.

I realized the other day that this mommyhood thing is a marathon and in order to be a good mother and a good life example for Buckner, it is time to start putting my healthy habits back into focus. I have 8 more stubborn pounds to lose, some energy to reclaim and relaxed muscles to tighten up. Thankfully I have never been one who could just eat what she wanted and stay on the thinner side so I know what to do and how to get my body back into shape. Getting and staying healthy isn't new to me. Hopefully, I can lose a few more pounds during the next month instead of gaining the holiday weight. I will keep myself accountable and hopefully inspire a few other mommies by posting a few of my weight changing and health gaining tips each week until I reach my goal weight. I believe losing weight and maintaining health require implementing habits you can stick with throughout life. No weird crash dieting or crazy work out routine, just the basics here but it works!

This week I will focus on: 

Drink more water!  I use to drink 10 to 12 glasses a day with no problem. Now I forget to drink water which is something I did not think would be possible. I notice a difference when I am not hydrated therefore my focus is back to the 10 to 12 glass a day habit.

Stats: 

(11/26/14)

Weight Loss: 42 pounds post pregnancy 

Bad Habits: Eating too much sugar and gluten which hurts my stomach, not exercising, not drinking enough water, not planning healthy meals

Good Habits: Portion control is in check

Mommy Worries Continue: Buckner's First Cold

Buckner slept from 7:30ish last night until about 5:20 this morning. Mommy did not. This was not the first time that he made it all night without a nighttime feeding. He has slept an entire night three times in the last two weeks. I guess we are now entering that magical time of sleeping through the night. Although I know that can change back as we hit more developmental milestones.

While Buckner snoozed, he also snorted and coughed his way through the night. He never woke up but I laid there beside his bassinet and worried. So worried, in fact, that I jumped up and turned on the lamp every time he coughed. I thought he was strangling. But as soon as I turned on the light I realized my baby was snoozing through it all.

I have a hard time sleeping through the night when he is healthy because I worry he won't make it through the night. No reason to have that completely illogical worry except for the fact I get a new mommy pass which means I can worry about anything and everything ad nauseam. Yes, 16 weeks in and I actually set my alarm clock for 2:00 am to wake up and check on him in case he does not wake up. What level of paranoia does that qualify me for? Most parents love to get a full night's rest and yet I wake myself up on purpose. My paranoia only intensified last night as my congested baby coughed through the night.

Last night the alarm was not needed as I laid there next to him listening to every sniffle and cough. Even though we slept under a humidifier and continued with the nasal spray the stuffy nose progressed to a congested cough. He did not seem to be too bothered but he was a little less smiley after his morning bottle. He finished his bottle like normal and did not have a fever but I still called the doctor.

Our doctor and his nurse are both so comforting and informative. I was told we were doing everything right and unless his fever goes above 100.5 to keep him away from the clinic because the flu is just sitting in their waiting room.  Doctors orders included:

1. Saline spray. You can't overuse it according to the doctor. Your baby will, however, hate you for it.

2. Sleep under the cool mist of a humidifier.

3. Vicks vaporub on his chest and his feet. Cover his feet with socks.

4. We must take his temperature rectally. Fun! I thought we were going to get away with just using the under the arm method. So this fearful mommy asked for instructions on how to take his temp in such an invasive way and I will now pass on this wisdom to you. Lubricate the digital thermometer with vaseline and stick the thermometer in just far enough to see the digital thermometer start to move. The nurse said I may have to squeeze his little butt cheeks together. My poor, poor baby has no idea what is in store for him later!  I don't think he has fever but we have to check to make sure. If he has a fever of 100.5 we have to go to the doctor because of his age. Let's hope his first cold just stays in the stuffy and congested category!

Mother: Synonymous with Worry

Buckner has a stuffy nose. That is it...just a stuffy nose.  However, I laid awake all night last night listening to him breathe. He was breathing so loudly it was easy to hear but what scared me was the occasional cough that sounded like he was getting choked up on post nasal drip. Sorry for the ick factor here but now as a mommy my ick tolerance is quite high. Anyway, he still sleeps in his rock and play so he was at an incline but I was so afraid he was going to aspirate. So I barely slept as I listened to my baby boy breathe.

This morning I sprayed some saline nose spray in his little nostrils before he was able to turn his head away from me. He cried at me as if he was fussing at me for waking him up in such a mean manner.  But all was well in his little world when I quickly followed the saline spray with a bottle. All was well in his little world. I, however, grew increasingly more worried as I listened to him trying to breathe as he ate. His appetite was fine, he did not have a fever and his eyes were bright and alert but I worried. My husband immediately noticed I was worried so he googled what to do in an effort to make me feel better. I know his internet search was done to make him feel better as well because he worries too but he stays calm for us which I appreciate.

The internet said we were doing everything we were suppose to do but I still wondered when do you do home remedies versus running to the doctor. I don't want to run him to the doctor and expose him to a waiting room full of germs if isn't necessary but I don't want to not take him if he needs it. We are doing the saline and the aspirator. Tonight we will add the humidifier and we will continue to carefully watch him. I am thankful we have the internet for information along with my mother who calmed me down by reminding me she still worries about me after 36 years!  As I dropped him off this morning, his daycare teacher (who is AMAZING) comforted me as well telling me I was doing everything I was suppose to do and he will be fine.

I returned at lunch today to check on him and to give him some more nasal saline spray. When I arrived he had just woke up from a nap and was happily lying in his bed playing with his feet which are his new favorite toys. I picked him up for some serious cuddling and his teachers said he was doing great. I noticed only a touch of stuffiness so decided against angering him with a blast of nose spray. According to one of his teachers, he had been busy all morning playing and scooting.

Facebook is always a great source of community among mothers. I put the issue as my status this morning and received immediate feedback for support as well as suggestions. Below are some suggestions if you are a mommy up late googling about your little one's stuffy nose.

1. My doctor told me about two months ago that their little nasal passages are so small that they tend to easily stop up but nothing is wrong unless accompanied with other symptoms. He told me use to nasal spray. A friend on Facebook reminded me of this medical advice this morning.

2. A hot shower can help loosen up the stuffy. Turn on the shower and allow the bathroom to steam up. Carry your little one into the steam (not the shower) of the bathroom.

3. A humidifier keeps the air moist and with the recent weather change, we have been using our heat which has probably dried out the air in our house a bit more.

4. Allow them to sleep in an inclined position. He won't sleep in anything but his rock and play which is at an incline. However, we will have to make a transition soon because he is growing too large for the rock and play....sleepless nights ahead!

5. Take your little one to the doctor if he is younger than three months or if he is running a fever, not wanting to eat and the mucus is dark yellow or green.

My Little Elf

My Little Elf

This weekend he babbled a full conversation and impressed us with being able to flip from his back to his stomach at 3 1/2 months old!

Learning to Balance Daycare and Bonding

I feel like I have adjusted fairly well to being a working mom but I still feel the hot sting of tears forming in my eyes as I leave my sweet little one at daycare. Buckner is doing great. He smiles at his teacher when he arrive in the morning and I can tell there is an evident shared affection.  He seems relaxed as I leave and appears to be thriving when I pick him up in the evenings.

The best part of the day, as I was told by other working parents, is picking him up at the end of the day and seeing his smile when I walk in the room. At first, the smiles of recognition were slow because of his age. Now at 15 weeks he definitely shows that he knows who his mommy and daddy are so when I walk in the room and say his name, I get an instant smile.

Each week has its high points and low points. The best part of this week is the latest development of giggling when I put him in his car seat to go home. I love his laugh. I feel like he is saying, "Yay mommy, let's go home and play!" The hardest part of this week was when I was leaving him in the morning and as I was walking out he pushed his head back as far as it could go in his swing to watch me leave. Seeing his sweet little eyes watch me walk out the door hurt my heart. I love my job and know that I want (and have) to work but in those moments, I just want to scoop him up and run home to our cozy routine we use to have during maternity leave.  But I continue on to work so I have come up with a few tips that help me cope with daycare because we all know it is the parents who cry the hardest with this transition!

1. Midday visits. Breaking up the day in four hour increments helped me a lot when I first started back to work when Buckner was with my mother. I continued to do that when I took him to daycare. Look for a daycare who welcomes the parents dropping in during the day. The first week, I went every day during the middle of the day for about 45 minutes. Now three weeks later, I have dropped down to about two or three midday visits that last about 10 minutes. The midday visits make me feel apart of his day. I also use this opportunity to visit with his teachers to develop a team type connection with the ladies caring for my little one all day. I feel anxious by the end of the day on the days I don't schedule a midday trip.  I know the midday trips will have to stop as he gets older because they will be more disruptive than helpful but it is helping me transition during the first few months and continue to feel like I am bonding as much as possible with my baby boy.

2. Don't rush. I get to daycare early each day and stay as long as I can with him. I want to be present for a few minutes to help him with the transition into the day. I also want to have casual moments again to chat with his teachers. I do this at the end of the day too. The first thing I do when I walk in is excitedly grab him up and cover him with kisses but instead of just rushing him into his carseat, I cuddle him as I talk to his teachers. These are the moments you get to know them as well as get important and sweet updates on your baby's day.

3. Wear my baby. In the last week I noticed I was feeling sad because when I got home there were tasks to be done and after playing with Buckner for a few minutes, we had to place him in a swing or his rock and play. My working mommy heart hurt once again as I just wanted to have more cuddle time but things had to be done. Granted, I have let my usual neat freak side slide a lot for a trade off of more Buckner time but some things just have to be accomplished on a daily basis. So this week I looked more into baby wearing as a principle of attachment parenting. This practice did not seem as critical to me while on maternity leave when I had plenty of time to sit and cuddle but now I need to make the most of every minute. Therefore, I ordered a sling from Sevenslings the other day. I am going to give baby wearing a try to see if I can maximize cuddle time instead of putting him in a swing.

4. Daily rituals. I can't stress enough the practice of making the most of the mornings and the evenings. Our early morning family time as we feed Buckner and chat over coffee in the dim light of the cozy morning is what gets me up after very little sleep. And our evening rituals of tummy time, bath, bottles and books is what we look forward to during the day. I read to focus on quality time if you are a working parent so I make sure to be fully present in each moment with Buckner (no tv or phone). I am starting to feel reassured that just because I can't be with him as much as I would like, he knows who his parents are and how very much we love him.

Smiling at mommy during my midday visit on my birthday

First Lessons Learned as a Working Mommy

Returning to work from maternity leave happened in stages. The first stage started at the beginning of October when I returned for a half day on a Friday before a big work event the following week.  I left my sweet little one with my mother and wiped away tears...yes, there were tears even for a half day of work. Coming back for just four hours was perfect. There was no way that a lot can be done your first day back so it was an ideal time to catch back up with colleagues, respond to e-mail and make plans for the following week. Then at noon, I was running out of the door because I couldn't get to my sweetheart fast enough.  The following week, I worked the entire week. I did good on Monday returning him to my mother for the day but by Tuesday I was all tears. Thankfully the next week, I only worked three days and the following week only four days.  What I learned in those first few days back came from my own experience and from reading tips on returning to work from maternity leave:

1. I was able to take it in four hour blocks of time because my mother lives about five minutes from my work so I could go for a visit during my lunch hour. Breaking it up in short time frames made me feel like I was not really completely at work but just leaving him for a few hours.

2. Since I returned to work when Buckner was around 8 weeks old, getting to leave him with my mother helped a lot in making the eventual transition to the daycare. 

3. Starting back at the end of the week as well as choosing to use a few more days in the first few weeks to be off with my little one helped because I slowly transitioned back in and I was able to look forward to those days off.  

4. Create rituals and special time to increase the quality of your time with your little one. My husband and I realize that we have morning and evening time with him during the work week. We want to make that time special and focused on our family. Therefore, we all get up extra early in the morning...usually around 5:00am. We feed him in the lamplight of the morning while we drink coffee and have about an hour of family time that is not rushed before we get the morning started. We agreed that we never want our mornings to feel chaotic which leads me to the next tip...

5. Get as much done as you can the night before. I know you are tired and just want to sit but you will feel so much better to have everything planned and as much of your morning routine completed before you start the next day. 

6. And even though you are tired in the evenings, this is one of your times to make special. For us, I have time that I focus just on Buckner which means no tv or phone. He loves his bath so we make bath time special and fun with lots of giggles from our sweet little boy. He is usually very talkative (for a 3 month old) after his bath. He lays on the changing table as I put his night clothes on while we coo and babble to each other. If it isn't time to eat yet, I like to read him a book and he loves to look at the pages as I read. We wrap up our evening with one more bottle that gets him to sleep for about five hours. By then it is usually around 8pm so we have time to catch up on what we need to do before heading to bed ourselves (correction: collapsing in bed!).

Buckner, The First Three Months

The best advice I received right at the beginning of my maternity leave was the advice Jenna Bush gave Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show. Jenna said to let everything go during maternity leave so you can just sit and hold your sweet baby. I did just that. I had all these grand ideas of the things I would accomplish during my leave but quickly decided that I had one grand thing to focus on: my sweet baby. Housework was abandoned, writing was stalled and organization (always on my to do list) was left as it was while we bonded.  After I returned to work, I carve out moments of true quality time with my little man (more on baby/daycare balance later).  Lots of people say how quickly time flies but these first three months have not felt too fast to me. Not because I am not having fun but just the opposite. I feel as if I have accomplished immersing myself into each precious moment. I am soaking up all the fun and cherishing every minute. The rest of my life is a blur but my moments with Buckner are clear. 

September 7, 2014: Month One. Buckner developed a love for his pacifier early in life as in seen in this picture. He could roll from tummy to back in an effort to avoid tummy time and he started to smile early (around 4 weeks). He was born with a head full of hair but quickly started to sport the old man look as seen in this picture due to cradle cap.  He came here as a content baby only crying when he was hungry, gassy or needed a diaper change...wouldn't anyone?

October 7, 2014: Month Two. I returned to work on October 4th on a partial schedule. He went to Sassy's (my mother's house) for the transition. His happy personality came out even more in month two. He began babbling and smiling even more. He still loves his paci and this picture was snapped quickly because his paci had just been taken.

November 7, 2014: Month Three. Buckner is a happy baby that still only cries when he is hungry or needs a diaper change. His hair is coming back and he is growing and strong. In month three, he is a champion at tummy time. He loves to talk and smile as well as laugh. He can roll from back to side and almost completely over to his stomach. He started daycare on November 3rd and loves his friends and teachers. Mommy on the other hand still cries when she drops him off!

Baby Buckner Arrives!

Disclaimer: Not my best writing but I just wanted to get everything out and on paper (or blog) before I forgot it!

Buckner's due date was August 3rd. On August 4th, with no sign of Baby Buckner arriving, I dragged my heavy preggo body to work. I had to save as many days as possible for maternity leave because I wanted to make sure I had every moment reserved for Buckner.  Needless to say, I got a lot of shocked looks as people realized I was still here. Most avoided me that day. I think they were afraid my water would break with them standing near me! My boss even had an emergency action plan. If I went into labor, she was going to send a calm person down to the second floor to calmly tell Ed to go get the car and then she with the help of a few others would calmly get me downstairs. The key word being calm.  Maybe she was so nervous in my presence that she was using the word calm a lot to calm herself down!

My plan was to work until the day arrived but as that Monday dragged on, something felt different. I had reached the point that I was done. No more work until after Baby B came. I made the decision that afternoon that I was too tired, too big and way too pregnant to be sitting at a desk any longer. I was going home to have my baby.

And that was the first time I felt nervous. I had a peace all through my pregnancy but as every one in my sweet office gathered around me to say goodbye until after maternity leave, I realize that I was really going to have this baby before I was in this office again. I wasn't scared of my sweet little boy. I was worried about what I was about to have to go through...the unknown of labor and delivery.  Ed came up to get me and we picked up the last things from my office that I would need and went home.

I stayed in touch with my doctor those few days and we decided on Tuesday that if nothing happened before Wednesday evening, he would put me in the hospital to induce me. I could tell my body was changing but Wednesday morning nothing had started yet. I was tired and my back was sore as if I had pulled a muscle from carrying the gigantic beach ball that was now my stomach.

The morning of Wednesday, August 6th, Ed went to work and my mom came to be with me all day. I insisted we go on a walk. Yes, it was August and I was overdue but I had walked all through my pregnancy with the intention of walking until the baby was delivered. That was the hardest waddle I had ever done but I made it. Then mom and I sat all day and waited for some type of sign. A little after noon, Ed's mother and grandmother started on the trip from Jackson to Oxford. And then around 4:00 everyone gathered at our house. I was strangely calm. The only time I ever really got nervous before labor and delivery was those last moments in my office. Once things started to happen I was fine...and very excited!

We all ate some left over pizza and birthday cake (from Ed's 40th birthday the previous weekend). I didn't want to eat but I am glad I did...I didn't realize it would be 30 hours later before I would eat again! Ed loaded up our hospital bags that had been packed for a month. The ride to the hospital was not what we had anticipated "the big ride" to be. We always thought I would go into labor in the middle of the night and we would nervously rush to the hospital but instead we calmly drove to the ER where we would check me in.

The process was so easy. We walked..well Ed walked and I waddled to the check in desk and they of course immediately knew why I was there and gave me the check-in forms. Another girl came up at the same time to check in to be induced as well. She, however, only looked 8 days pregnant while I looked 8 years pregnant!

We then walked to labor and delivery. The whole process was serene as we walked through the delivery doors and to the nurses desk. Now looking back, I suppose the unknown just kept me in the moment because instead of thinking as I walked through those doors that I would not walk back out without our sweet baby, I was just thinking about what was immediately the next step. God kept me in the moment which helped me stay calm.

We got into our room and the nurse was one that we had met during our tour of the labor and delivery floor during birth class. She checked us in through a series of questions and then I got into my hospital gown. She then inserted the cervidel (spelling?) to begin the process of helping my cervix thin. Supposedly if I was close to going into labor then this medicine could throw me into labor. I don't even remember being too concerned about that because the main thing that had me miserable at that time is that I was told I would not be able to go to the bathroom for several hours because the medicine had to stay put. Now whoever thought to tell a 9 month pregnant woman that she could not go to the bathroom? I think I needed to go about a minute after I was told I was to lay in the bed. I did not have a birth plan but laying in bed was really not what I thought I would be doing. I thought I would be one of those pregnant women that walked the halls until she gave birth stopping to lean against the wall during contractions. But I tried to stay humorous, in fact when she ask me what my birth plan was, I responded, "Get the baby out." I also then proceeded to tell my hubby that I had full control over the tv that night and I would be watching Golden Girls episodes all night. He completely agreed.

Shortly after the nurse finished checking us in, mom, Ed's mom and his grandmother came back. The nurse told me to tell them to go home to get some rest because nothing was going to happen tonight. Everyone was a little disappointed. We thought we were going to have a long night and that the baby would be born in the early hours of the morning. So we chatted for a little bit, took a few pictures and they left to get rest for a big day the following day. 

Right after getting checked in...excited and waiting!

Hospital selfie with my mom as we waited

The night nurse, Haley, was so sweet. She told me that I could have a sleeping pill to help me rest because I would need my sleep for the next day. I am not one to normally to take any medicine but I agreed that I would need rest so I took the two Ambien they offered but I really did not go into a deep sleep. I remember laying there with Ed trying to sleep on the couch beside me as I tried to watch my Golden Girls but I could not concentrate.  I did fall asleep at one point to be awaken by Haley telling me I had to flip over because the medicine was making the baby's heart rate slow which was concerning her. I guess the medicine had me very calm at that point because that comment would have sent me into a panic but I just flipped over trusting the medical staff to take care of my baby and me. The heart rate increased and I was left to sleep but that sleep was quickly interrupted by contractions. I did not realize it was contractions at that time but thought I was just having cramps because I really wanted to go to the bathroom. They finally let me go to the bathroom because it had been enough time. The contractions continued and really just felt like menstrual cramps.

Morning finally came. I guess it must have been right around 7:00am when Haley was switching shifts. Originally I thought I would not take the epidural for as long as I could stand it but shetold me that I could get my epidural soon and I immediately agreed. I felt a peace about it. I don't remember being scared at all just going with the flow of what was coming. She told me that she really didn't want to give me any pain medication in my drip since his heart rate had dropped low with the Ambien the night before. I, of course, agreed to tough it out without pain medicine until the epidural came. The main thing I wanted to do was get my baby here.

Now looking back there are very clear parts to the day but for the most part it is a blur. I know we waited a long time because I was in labor for 18.5 hours but it didn't feel like we were waiting too much.

My first epidural did not take. I thought that the epidural thing was overrated because I could still feel pain and cramps. I told Dr. Smith when he came to check on me that the epidural was false advertising. He quickly realized that I could feel more than I was suppose to be feeling. I thought that the pain was so bad the epidural was working but could not mask it all, it could just dampen the pain. But obviously I wasn't suppose to feel anything so they put more medicine in to the epidural and still no luck but now I had one very numb right leg. However, I was not going to give birth out of my right leg!  So another epidural was ordered and this one finally worked.

Ed said that prior to the epidural the contractions would go around 50 and I was crawling out of the bed in pain. After the epidural I was talking to him and he was watching my contraction climb to above 100 and I was chatting happily away unaware of the pain I should have been feeling. I highly recommend the epidural.  However, it took so well the second time that I could not move my legs at all which eventually scared me a little...okay a lot. Because I really wanted to move as much as possible and I had no choice to lay still for awhile. Even a couple of weeks after I returned home, my right leg was weak and I am guessing because it was the one that was originally numb.

The pitocin was started in the morning and I was dilating but dilating slowly. They decide to change the bed position to tilt me where my legs were down and my body was up so that the gravity could work on pulling Buckner down to the birth canal. I remember my water breaking on its own as I lay there. It felt like relief. And I was instructed to turn every few minutes from side to side to help him get down as well.

During all this, we joked and visited with our mothers and his grandmother who had all arrived early in the day and were there for the duration. Ed supplied me with lots of apple juice and popsicles. Ed was great through the entire labor and delivery. He was so encouraging to me. He kept telling me I was doing great and that he was so happy I was not mean like you hear wives often are in the state of delivery! Ha!  I had to make him leave me to get some lunch. For dinner the whole crew would not leave the delivery room but sat in there eating snacks from the vending machine.

I really only got freaked out twice. Once when the epidural worked so well that I could not feel my legs or move them. I did not know that the epidural made your legs numb.  And then very close to time to push, Buckner had dropped so low getting ready for his debut that the heart monitor did not pick up his heartbeat. The nurse did not seem worried but after she left I was not convinced he was okay so mom got the doctor who immediately appeared and after a few very tense seconds which felt like hours, we found our little sweetheart's heartbeat. He had moved to a new location where the monitor could not detect in its current position.

Your body just knows what to do and when it was time to push, I went from relaxed to realizing it was time. Ed said it was a quick change and I just said it is time to push. They of course wanted me to wait until they could get everything set up and I thought I could wait but now I understand when you see women saying that can't wait. The urge to push was so strong that it was so hard to focus and not push. When I was finally told I could push it was a huge sense of relief!

I allowed the whole crew to stay present. My usual modesty vanished. The birth of our child was something I wanted our mothers and his grandmother to be able to witness. I closed my eyes and focused. For some reason, I felt like if I opened my eyes and saw the time or anything that was going on that I would get discouraged so I just kept my eyes closed. Ed says that I looked at him a few times and smiled. My mother said I did the same thing but I don't remember because I suppose I was in a zen type zone.

I kept telling myself positive affirmations because negative thoughts were trying to rush into my head. One funny thing I kept thinking as I pushed was I should have done more situps because I felt like my abs were weak every time I lifted myself to push. Labor definitely demands physical fitness!  A fear I had that kept playing over in my mind was: what if I can't push this baby out? However, I think the fear just made me focus more because after only an hour and fifteen minutes of pushing Buckner was ready to come out (record time of pushing for a first time mom was what they told me).

I pushed so quickly that they were not ready for my little one to make his way into the world. The doctor was down the hall delivering another little girl. The nurses told me they had the monitor on Buckner and that if anything seemed to be in distress they would deliver but I would need to hold him in until the doctor came if everything seemed okay. This was crazy to me! I had pushed so hard and labored for 18 and a half hours and they wanted me to hold him in?  I told the nurse, Amber (who was amazing!), that she could be the doctor!  She said she couldn't deliver if the doctor was on the floor. Then I said well go find another doctor! They thought I was being funny but I was serious. Thankfully right around that time Dr. Smith rushed in with a crew. He stripped off his outfit from the last delivery and stepped in a fresh gown that a nurse was holding open for him. Ed said it looked like a NASCAR pit crew the way they were moving!  Dr. Smith sat down and with one more push, Buckner James came into the world. Dr. Smith had delivered one baby down the hall at 8:21 and Buckner was born at 8:26pm weighing 8lbs 1oz and 20 inches long.

I am here!!!!

Ed brings our bundle to me

 He was laid on my stomach as I cried out, "My baby!" Ed was not expecting to cry but he said when I cried, "my baby" he instantly teared up. I was, of course, crying too.  They then took Buckner over to the bed beside me to clean him. Ed was surprised that after they weighed and cleaned him that they handed our little swaddled bundle of joy to him first. Ed stopped for a few pictures but then walked over to me so that I could see our little sweetheart.  A few minutes later the bustle of the room turned quiet as the nurses finished up and started to leave and the lights were turned down. Everyone left the room and we were there in the peace of a family of three.

We did skin to skin and that instantly seemed to calm Buckner. He immediately seem to know how to feed and started to root around. It was amazing to see nature working just as we are told. He didn't cry as he looked at us as if to say, "So you are my parents and the ones I have been hearing all this time." We talked to him. I don't remember everything but I remember Ed telling him all the things that he was going to teach him. That sweet time just the three of us was so serene. It was the perfect way to cap off the chaos of delivery. Twenty seven hours after arriving to the hospital we had our baby.

My mom came in about thirty minutes later to let us know they were headed out but our friends Ashley and Bradley were waiting outside. We were so surprised they had come to the hospital right after getting word that Buckner was here. Only family were really allowed in the delivery room but I begged the nurse to let them come back since they had made the effort to come out so late.  It was around 10pm when Buckner first met our friends. And it was such a sweet moment to get to see them. They are precious friends and to be able to share such a sweet time with them really added to the moment.

After every one left, they took Buckner to the nursery to continue doing the routine checks and took us to our room. It was around 11:30 before we finally got into a room. All day I had been talking about what my first meal after delivery would be - a Spuds Max from McAllisters because I had not ate one all during my pregnancy with deli meat being off limits. Of course, by midnight McAllisters was not open so my husband decided he would run to Wendy's but by the time he got there they were closed. My first meal after delivery ended up being a hot dog and tater tots from Sonic. Something my usual nutrition nut self would never eat but it was the best hot dog I ever had. I wanted another one as soon as I was done!  But instead we both fell asleep after being up for about 30 hours.

At 2:45 that morning, two nurses were standing in front of me holding my sweet, swaddled baby boy.  I remember barely able to open my eyes because of the sleep deprivation and the pain medicine they had given me. I said, "Is that my baby?" And the two nurses just seemed to nod. I was so excited to see my little one but I also thought to myself that I thought they were going to keep him in the nursery tonight so we could sleep. They told me they were just going to leave him with me for about 15 minutes so I could nurse then they put him in my arms and left. I was so afraid that I was so sleepy that I would fall asleep and drop him. I tried to wake my sleeping husband up but he just laid on the couch beside me not budging. I was on my own. I can't remember if I even tried to nurse him. I don't think I did because I was afraid to move. I do remember staring at him and the clock as I waited until 3am so they would come back and get him. Not that I didn't want to be with my baby, but I was afraid for his safety in my sleep deprived state. As soon as the clock hit 3pm, I called the nurses station and told them they could come get him now.

The next morning when they wheeled him in in his bassinet, we were rested and ready to go. Visitors starting pouring in and we began the journey of parents discovering every day we love him more and more.

Our sweet little family of three