Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Morning Calm to Chaos

At any given time during the day, I teeter between parenting wins and parenting fails. The parenting wins feel small in comparison to how devastating the parenting fails feel. The three hours this morning between wake up and daycare drop off had devastating swings between the two and while I know this is normal, it still left this mommy pulling up to the daycare with trembling hands and tears threatening to flow as I hugged my sweet little boy goodbye for the day.

5:00 am: Alarm clock goes off although I had actually started to wake up around 4:40 when Buckner started to stir and whine a little in his sleep signaling to me that he would soon wake up too. We had camped out in the living room because Daddy caught the dreaded stomach bug. I slept on the couch and Buckner slept beside me in his rock and play. I think I slept but I remember being awake more than asleep last night so needless to say when the alarm went off I was exhausted but knew I had to get moving because Daddy was still out of commission.

5:02 am: Start coffee pot and start unloading dishwasher to get Buckner's clean bottles out.

5:03 am: Buckner cries. He is officially awake. I run into the living room and put his pacifier back in his mouth. He appears to go back to sleep. I debate on whether I have time to unload the dishwasher or should I just immediately make his morning bottle.

5:04 am: Return to unloading the dishwasher. Buckner cries again. Debate is over. Time to make the morning bottle. I talk in soothing tones from the kitchen to Buckner to let him know that I am making his bottle. Buckner continues to cry. My heart breaks a little.

5:07 am: Bottle is made. I pour myself a cup a coffee and run to get my little man. I take him to his nursery to change his diaper. He screams at me for the duration of the diaper change clearly letting me know that a diaper change was not what he wanted and he is hungry NOW!

5:10 am: All is quiet again in our little house as I feed my sweetheart and drink coffee. We sit on the couch until 5:45. This is my special time with him as I have mentioned on many times before. We cuddle. He finishes his bottle and he coos and smiles. I read him a daily devotional and we talk. The time ends way too fast and I really want to sit there longer but more has to be done. Ed comes out of the bedroom and says he is weak but thinks the worse is over.

5:45 am: Return to unloading the dishwasher and making his bottles for the day. We always have intentions to do this the night before but the dishwasher doesn't usually finish until we are in bed. I need to buy a few more bottles to put into the rotation as well as a big mixer to mix the formula the night before so all we have to do is pour. Put together lunch and make a mental note that I really need to do this in the evening. I am slowly learning and incorporating some new parenting life hacks.

6:10 am: Unload the dryer and lay his clothes out so that they don't wrinkle. I usually make up the bed at this time as well but since Ed was sick all night those sheets are just going right to the laundry. Pack his diaper bag with extra clothes (again, should have done that the night before).

6:20 am: Buckner decides he is tired of playing on the floor by himself and starts to fuss. Ed still can't touch him just in case he is contagious so I strapped him in his baby carrier (thank God for baby wearing) and put my make up on. He loves it and grins at himself in the mirror the entire time. Parenting win!

6:35 am: Put Buckner in his crib for a minute to feed our dog, Lulu (which I almost forgot to do). He screams.  I put Baby Einstein on my ipad in his crib and he is instantly captivated. Parenting fail because I know that tv time is a no no but sometimes you got to do what you got to do to get dressed. About a minute later, after the dog is fed and I have berated myself for letting him watch Baby Einstein. I take away the ipad (he immediately screams) and I scooped me up for a big cuddle.

6:45 am: We put on mardi gras lively music as I dress him for the day. We giggle and dance. I talk to him and enjoy a few more moments of sweet baby time.

6:55 am: Put him in his pack and play because I must take a shower NOW. He isn't happy even with toys so Ed entertains him and I take a lightning speed shower.

7:00 am: Get dressed and do my hair while simultaneously running back to Buckner to let him know I am there so he will be happy (he is getting irritable and fighting sleep at this point).

7:15 am: Put Buckner in his rock and play in front of the tv for a minute (berate myself again) but he screams and I plead with him to just let mommy finish the last few things (load up the car, brush teeth, grab a breakfast bar, etc.) before we go. He doesn't agree and screams which breaks my mommy heart and I shake as I finish the last few things.  During my running, I look over at him and he is now asleep. Sweet baby.

7:27 am: Finally leaving my house. My goal was 7:15 so now I am officially running late but doing much better than other days. We drive to daycare as he snoozes and I drink coffee and eat a breakfast bar while trying to stop shaking.

7:45 am: Arrive to daycare and I want to cry. I want calm, happy mornings and while there are definitely some moments each morning that I accomplish this there are a few moments where I am still shaking and running late. I don't want to leave Buckner as I pull him out of his carseat and hug my cuddly baby. He smiles as I put him in the exersaucer and shows me all his fun toys. I fight back tears knowing that 8 hours until I see him again seems so long.

8:07 am: Arrive to work knowing I am doing my best and some days will be easier.  I will try in the coming days to do more at night because I refuse to speed up even more because those morning moments are some of the precious times I have with my little family. Even in those hectic moments, life is so sweet now with our little man...I just need to learn to breathe!

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